https://ogn.theonion.com/patriotism-ftw-call-of-duty-mobile-will-now-only-al-1839045748
When Activision first released Call Of Duty: Mobile early this month, fans were psyched to have the iconic first-player shooter optimized for Android and iPhone. Now it looks like there’s, even more, to get excited about, because the developers just revealed that an upcoming update for the game will only allow players on the American side to wield or use firearms. Hell yeah!
This is a huge win for patriotic fans who loved Call Of Duty, but always wished the enemies of freedom had no recourse to fight back against our troops.
“We’ve listened to the overwhelming feedback of fans who considered it disrespectful that you could shoot and even kill American combatants in the game, and we’ve corrected this issue to make Call Of Duty: Mobile better than ever before,” Activision CEO Robert Kotick told OGN in an interview, confirming that while the updated game would continue to feature terrorists from around the globe, this version will give proper reverence to the sacrifices of the Founding Fathers by making every service member fighting on the American side completely invulnerable.
“Call Of Duty fans will get the same pulse-pounding action they’ve come to expect as they slaughter the unarmed, fleeing opponents who despise our way of life,” he added. “Meanwhile, those fighting against the American forces will be provided with a fresh range of options like never before, such as diving headfirst in front of a tank or attempting to pick up a grenade only to have it immediately explode in their hands.”
Kotick went on to get gamers even more excited about another update in early 2020 that would strip enemy combatants of all options except for getting down on their knees, crying, and begging for mercy from America’s great liberators.
USA! USA! These colors don’t run, baby!